'Cause we all need a little nonsense in our diet.
This page isn't meant for kids, unless they're goat kids.
Part I: Rox the Wonder Dog.
Once there was a dog that arrived here from a faraway planet. His name was Rox and the earth's yellow sun gave him super-powers. So he decided to use his powers for the good of all, and fetch nuclear weapons to bury in his yard. However, when his dog countrymen caught up with him, they took all the nuclear weapons back to their home planet and made a delicious form of primordial soup, which was a hit in space-dog restaurants everywhere. Rox was hailed as a pioneer chef and the first to master the long-sought-after "doorknob principle". He was retired on Earth with great doggie honor.
Part II: The Mongoose.
One day my daddy was fishing in a boat and he thought he hooked a fish, but when he reeled it in, he saw it was a Mongoose!! * So he went to pick up the Mongoose, and it bit off his hand. So he picked it up with the other hand, and it started gnawing on his ears. So he put down the Mongoose, and it started running around the boat, and then it jumped thru the bottom of the boat. There was a hole in the boat, so the Mongoose took its chewing gum and plugged up the hole so the boat wouldn't sink. And then it swam to shore, so my dad followed it. The Mongoose decided to go to Kentucky Variety to buy some more gum. When it went to the cash register, the guy said "Oaaaashenny-five!" and the Mongoose said "What!?" "Oaaaashenny-five!" the Mongoose said "What!? Oh, a dollar seventy-five!" and the cashier said, "Yes, Oaaaashenny-five!!" and the Mongoose paid him, and then the Mongoose popped the chewing gum. Then he ran full speed into the wall of Kentucky Variety, and put a hole in it. Then he took his chewing gum and clogged up the hole so the cold wouldn't come in. And then he walked to Cooldip Batcher's house, knocked on the door, and then Cooldip answered it, and the Mongoose said, "Can I please have some miracle whip?" and then Cooldip said, "sorry, we only have Cooldip here." And then the Mongoose said "That's fine." He took the Cooldip and left. The Mongoose went home to his crevice under the sea, broke out the chips, and sprayed the Cooldip all over them!!! Then he picked up the first chip, smeared it all over his face, went to the bathroom, and flushed the chip down the toilet. Then the chip went down the hole. And the Picking Miner's Claw scooped it up out of the shit. * And then it took the chip, which managed to miss the day regurgitating at 6pm on TV news, and scarfed the chip down. Then the Picking Miner's Claw went to the surface to go to the bathroom. It didn't want to have a logjam * in the toilet, so it sat down on the pisspot and took a poopy. But since there was a mint in the pisspot, the pisspot itself regurgitated the plop. The regurgitation struck the Picking Miner's Claw, KISS MY ASS!!!!!
The Yellow Mongoose, or Cynictus Penicillata,
on his way to get some gum.
"The Mongoose" ©1995 K-Martian Enterprises, Ltd.
Part III: Goats.
Goats never worry about their kids.
All they really worry about
is climbing mountains and eating the grass on top of them.
When the kids turn into full-fledged goats,
they like to wander out into the wilderness
and become a larger goat through some kind of trial and error.
Some of the goats like to GOATS GOATS GOATS GOATS
and hang out with the meese,
which is plural for moose
in case you didn't know.
Goats are not to be confused with sheep,
which are stoopid wooly animals that do whatever you tell them to.
I'm not sure whether goats or sheep are tastier to eat,
but I'll bet it'd be sheep,
since they're tender from not really doing anything.
I heard that goat's milk is 10x easier to digest than cow's milk.
because it's more similar to human milk.
Still, 90% of human beings have trouble being tolerant to lactose
since they're not babies anymore.
But back to GOATS.
I think GOATS are cool
because they have cloven hooves
and their shoes can make you lucky.
Goats tend to wear sandals though
because shoes are so confining
and goats are all about freedom you know.
I feel like a goat
when I crouch down and eat grass
but I don't have any horns
and I'm not if sure I really count as an honest-to-god GOAT.
I mean, sure I can be an HONORARY goat
but it's just not the same
and I wish I was a real goat...
but I figure if I work hard
and put EVERYTHING I HAVE into being a goddamned goat,
I can join the inner circle of the goats,
and be a horn-ed, hoofian, ungulate imitator
who secretly translates the language
into English or Hindi or something
until the monkeys come down
and make a damned mess out of everything.
Those monkees are too busy singing
to put anybody down...
but GOATS are more important
because they have longer teeth
and are more adaptable to higher altitudes.
So I'd like to raise my glass to the goats,
wherever the fuck those bastards are,
and give them one final message before I go to the bathroom...
"YOU SMELL BAD, GOATS!!!
KEEP ON EATIN' GRASS!"
and I think that will be all.